


Little too late

by ophelia_darcy



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-18
Updated: 2015-07-20
Packaged: 2018-03-31 05:04:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 21,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3965440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ophelia_darcy/pseuds/ophelia_darcy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jemma's world falls appart</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Here goes nothing. This is my very first fanfic story ever. I was listening to James Bay-Let it go and I felt the urge to write. This song brings up so many emotions in me I can't even explain. I hope you will like it. I am not a native speaker so be gentle with me. This fandom is one of my favourites so thank you guys for keeping me occupied. :)

For the first time in years she isn’t seeing the love of her life but a stranger. His eyes are vacant and dark. She sighs and leans her back into the wall behind her. Silence has enveloped the room that was once their nursery. She slowly puts a hand on her belly. There was a life once. Little bean of happiness for both of them. Covering her face with both hands, she slowly slides down until she hits the bottom. The silence is too much and she starts silently sobbing. Falling tears are her only comfort and she lets them fall. She isn’t trying to hide them anymore. She isn’t trying to silence her cries of sorrow. Voice within her is trying to get out, this animalistic urge to yell and scream and she has no more energy to fight it. So she screams and yells. Her body is shaking and soon she feels exhausted and overwhelmed by the hollowness that settled where her heart once was. Blackness is slowly creeping into her vision and she welcomes it. Maybe it will take her to her little sunshine.  
She wakes up on the floor. Disoriented she lifts her head and starts to look around. Room is now dark so it means the night has fallen. She lets her eyes adjust to the darkness and then she sees the image of her husband. Still motionlessly standing in the same spot, his eyes still dark and cold. Like he isn’t there anymore. She sits up and wipes her nose in the hem of her shirt. Headache is killing her but she prefers pain to the numbness. She leans her head on the wall taking a deep breath. From all the things she could have imagined about her future this was never even a possibility. Looking at her hands she thinks about a time she was young, carefree and happy. Science was her world and she loved it. Her parents were so proud when she told them she is going to be a bio-chemist. She is still remembering her father shedding a tear of joy for his daughter who is following his footsteps. The first day of college her mom bought her a diary. Holding her tight she had to promise to look after her. Later when she unpacked her bags and settled all her things where they belong she opened her new diary. On the first site of the diary was a picture of her parents and a familiar writing that said: Whatever you choose to become, know that we love you. You are our soul and sunshine. Our reason to live. Love, Mom and Dad. She remembers holding her diary close to her heart for hours. This was her prayer when things got tough. Whatever hard decision she had ever made she turned to this page and she always chose the right thing. They were her anchor. Through the years they grew slightly apart because of the distance and crazy hours she worked. She always made sure she called at least once a week to catch up and tell them she loves them. With the line of work she was doing she felt it was necessary to tell them that. Just in case if something happens they would know she loved them. Five years ago she lost them to a car accident. It destroyed her and it left her with one of the many scars she carried on her soul. Suddenly she got the urge to see that diary again. She needs to read those words again. She needs their love even though they were no longer with her. She stands up and bolts out of the room, she needs that diary. She runs upstairs to the attic. There are so many boxes that need to be unpacked. They were always putting it off. Now she is thankful that they never came to finish it. It will make moving out easier. She moves towards the window and she opens it. She lets the fresh air in to calm her. Moonlight is shining through and it is lighting up the room. She finds the box that says ‘Jemma-very confidential’. She tears the box open and starts shuffling stuff around to find that perfect golden and blue diary. She finds it on the bottom of the box. She quickly opens it and reads her mom’s words. Tears start to gather around her eyes. Slowly she brushes her fingers across the picture that has slowly started to fade. ‘’Mommy I miss you two so much. I lost her today. I lost the love of my life. You would have loved your granddaughter. She had daddy’s eyes and cute button nose like mine.’’ Tears start falling across her face yet again. Oh how she wishes her mother would be alive. She would know what to say. She would hug her and make all the pain go away. ‘’Mommy please look after her up there. She is all alone.’’ Sudden anger that borders to rage is taking over her body. This would never happened if he hadn’t come to her life. She was careless until he met him. One day he waltzed into her lab all smiles and muscles. He was there to protect her. No, he was there to protect the artefact so nothing bad would happened to it. He was the first bodyguard who took interest in her and her work. It was a beautiful lie he created for her. Slowly they got to know each other. At first he would sit close and watch her do her job. He would make sure she ate and went to bed before she collapsed of tiredness. They became close friends and the walls that she built since her parents died came crumbling down. Step by step he stole her heart and her soul. After three years of dating in secret he asked her to marry him. They got married under the stars with their closest friends and family. Four months ago she found out they are pregnant. It was the happiest day of her life. He cried saying she brought him love and peace, something he longed for so long. One month ago she started nesting. They bought furniture for a baby room and clothes. For her birthday he bought perfect pair of tiny red shoes. Seven days ago her world collapsed. She found out about his past. No, she found out about his present. She was always a mission. He was HYDRA’s top agent gathering information on S.H.I.E.L.D. In the midst of a fight she fell down the stairs. The next thing she remembers are white lights and strange people towering over her. She woke up in a hospital bed with Grant sleeping on the sofa next to her bed. He was holding her hand. She remembered who he was and the beeping sound of the monitor started beeping faster and lauder. She ran her hands over her belly. Something was wrong. She couldn’t feel her anymore. She looked over to catch Grant gazing back at her. His eyes were cold and distant. She started screaming and the next thing she remembers were people rushing in. 

She stands up and runs towards the nursery. He is still standing there motionless. Anger overtook her senses and she hits him hard across the face. ‘’You took her away from me. My baby girl you took her away!’’ She hits him harder, his eyes still dark. ‘’Did you ever love me or it was all an act?’’ The fact that he is still standing there not saying anything, not showing any emotions what so ever makes her even angrier. She sees red and she hits him with a lamp. ‘’You selfish son of a bitch! You knew how broken I was when my parents died. I told you I was incapable of loving again and you pushed and pushed until I fell in love with you. How many girls have you fucked while convincing me you loved me?’’ She starts hitting him without a break. Hit after hit. ‘’I held her today. Her little hands in mine. She was perfect. She was my sunshine, my reason to live and you took that away from me. You took her life Grant!’’ She was getting exhausted and her head hurt. She is catching her breath and at one point she dropped to her knees. She covers her face with her hands. Her fairy-tale turned into a horror story. She looks up: ‘’you killed your daughter Grant. You killed her with your own two hands.’’ She sees something in him move. He lost control and for the first time in days she sees a raw emotion laying on his face. He picks her up, his fingers biting into her skin. He is breathing hard and there are tears in his eyes. ‘’Don’t you ever say I killed my daughter!’’ His voice was deep and she knows it was meant to intimidate her. That makes her even angrier. She tears away from his grip and she throws her shoes into him. He avoids both of them. ‘’Don’t you ever dare to touch me again! You killed your daughter and you ripped my heart out of my chest! I hope you rot in Hell!’’ Suddenly she had enough. All she wants is to get away from him and from this nursery. She starts moving towards the door but a hand catches hers and pulls her to him. He pins her to the wall. He is so close.‘’Let me go! Get away from me!’’ She tries to break away but his grip gets stronger. ‘’No. You will listen to me.’’ She closes her eyes and turns her head to the side. ‘’I will never listen to you. I did once and look where it got me!’’ She spits that last sentence out and she hears him catch his breath. ‘’At first you were a mission. A task. I was meant to get your report on the artefact and kill you.’’ Sincerity in his voice made her skin crawl. She opens her eyes and sees him staring intensely at her. ‘’But you Jemma Simmons Ward turned my world upside down.’’ He is brushing her nose with his, slowly moving to her cheeks and her lips. ‘’My heart was dead before I met you and you brought it back to life.’’ He brings his thumb to her cheeks and he brushes away a falling tear. ‘’You changed me Jemma. I fell in love with you and overnight you became my whole world.’’ He traces his lips across her face and she trembles. ‘’I never wanted to lie to you Jemma. I hated hiding that part of me from you. I was HYDRA and I still am HYDRA. Just the reason I stayed there is different. I became HYDRA because I wanted to be their agent. I was loyal to them because I chose them. I stayed HYDRA to protect you.’’ He brings his hands to cup her face. ‘’You made me complete again. I loved my daughter from the moment you told me you are with child. Just like that you two became my sole purpose in my life. My whole Universe.’’ He is crying now. He brings his lips closer to her, staring at her eyes. ‘’Seven days ago I lost her just like you lost her. We both lost our daughter. We both lost our hearts and souls again.’’ He slowly closes his lips over hers. ‘’Jemma I won’t survive if I lose you too. I love you. I always did and always will.’’ She starts crying again and he lets her. They both sink to the floor and cry. She is sitting in his lap and he is holding her tight. ‘’I don’t know if I can love you again Grant. I have no idea how to trust you.’’ He embraces her harder. ‘’We will figure things out baby girl. I promise.’’ She rests her head on his shoulder. ‘’What if it’s too late for that? What if I am too broken to move on?’’ The thought of losing her terrifies him so he holds her closer to him. She starts crying again and he lets her. They both sit on the floor trying to hold to each other for dear life.


	2. The List

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jemma is getting married

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! :) I know I am not the best writer in the world but this has been on my computer for ages and it was really starting to bug me. I hope you will enjoy it as much as I enjoyed writing it. I am quite ceratin it has some grammar and vocabulary mistakes so I am really sorry about that.

‘’I can’t believe you two are getting married. No wait, I can’t believe you two are engaged. Wait no…’’ Skye is laying on the bed looking at Jemma with her ‘I am going to get you in trouble’ grin. ‘’I get it okay, we should have told you about us dating.’’ She loves Skye as her sister but if she is going to drag this ‘You should have told us’ thing any longer she is going to use ICER on her. On second thought…  
‘’You are damn right you should have told us. We kissed for crying out loud. I mean I kissed Grant and he kissed me back. I didn’t know you two were together…’’ Jemma freezes in the middle of the step and looks at Skye. ‘’You did what?’’ Her voice is surprisingly calm almost cold. ‘’Wow that felt so good. It was bugging me for years. Ooh I feel so much lighter now.’’  
Jemma is still frozen in the middle of the room. Where the hell did she put that gun? ‘’Oh Jemma, nothing else happened. We were on the mission and I was afraid we were going to die and I just kissed him. I am…’’ Jemma interrupts Skye in the middle of a sentence. ‘’You know what I don’t’ want to know.’’ And she doesn’t. If someone is to blame its Grant. He is everyone’s type her ass. Let’s see how everyone’s type he is without sex. Suddenly there are a pair of hands around her body. ‘’I am so sorry Jemma. Please don’t’ be mad at me. Pretty please with cherry on the top.’’ If she holds her any tighter she is going to crack her ribs. 

‘’There is nothing to forgive. You didn’t know.’’ She kisses the top of her head. Who would have known she would get a second family. When her parents died she was so heartbroken and then Phil called her if she wants to be a part of his team and she got a new family. Every night she silently prays to her mother thanking her for sending her a new family. She embraces Skye tighter. ‘’Enough about kissing my soon to be husband. We need to get ready.’’ Skye nods and lets her go out of her embrace. She looks at Jemma. There is this grin again. What is she up to now?   
‘’Someone is trying to give her husband a show of a lifetime.’’ Laughter fills the room and Jemma looks even more confused. ‘’Oh come on Jemma, look at you. You are wearing white lacy bustier and panties with garter. I mean he will have a heart attack.’’ Jemma is now grinning like a child who stole the last cupcake from the pantry. ‘’You think so? Not too much? I was trying to get something sexy.’’ She spins around and Skye laugh even harder. ‘’Nope you are good. I mean if I was playing for a different team I would be all over you right now.’’ Good to know she looks great because right now she is not sure Grant is getting any. She will definitely let him sweat for a bit. ‘’As much as I love you in a ‘’bang, bang’’ underwear I think you cannot walk down the aisle just in that.’’  
Oh right, she totally forgot she still has to put her dress on. ‘’Ups I totally forgot.’’ Skye grins and waltzes out of the room. ‘’You know for someone who is supposed to be a genius you are not that smart.’’ Something tumbles down to the floor and crashes. Soon after, Skye rushes in the room with a dress and shoes. ‘’I’m okay. I don’t know about the mirror in the guest bedroom but I am okay.’’ Jemma shakes her head and takes her dress from Skye. ‘’So what you are actually saying is that we are not getting room deposit back?’’ She looks at Skye who is avoiding her eyes. ‘’Well not my words exactly but you should think about buying them a new mirror.’’ Jemma rolls her eyes at her and throws her free hand in the air. ‘’It’s vintage.’’ ‘’Well then yes, you are not getting that deposit back.’’ Rolling her eyes at Jemma she takes back the dress from Jemma’s hands and opens a zipper. ‘’Now I know you would like to debate about how things don’t work that way but we really should get you ready for the wedding. Wedding is not the same without a bride. And if we don’t show up on time I am sure Grant will shoot me. So hurry up future Mrs Ward.’’ Mrs Ward? With all the fuss around the wedding and the paper work she had to fill for S.H.I.E.L.D they never had the last name conversation. In her world of science she is known as Simmons. Ward doesn’t even go well with her name. What if he wants for her to renounce her maiden name? Oh dear god! She starts hyperventilating. Fitz is going to kill her. ‘’Oh dear, you haven’t had the talk. Jemma, listen calm down. Breathe in and out.’’ Jemma looks at her in panic but she starts taking deep breaths. ‘’Here you go. See you are doing great.’’ Jemma gives her are you kidding me look and Skye furrows her eyebrows. ‘’Don’t give me that look. You are the one panicking over the last name. Have you thought about the possibility of keeping your name and just adding Ward to it?’’ Just like that Jemma’s harsh breathing stops. She looks at Skye like a rock has just rolled of her chest. ‘’And you are supposed to be the genius one in the room.’’ They both start laughing. ‘’Yeah well my brain has some malfunctions once in a while.’’ She steps into the dress and Skye zips her up. ‘’God Jemma, you look beautiful.’’ She is wearing tea length tulle and lace white wedding dress with V-neck and three-quarter lace sleeves. ‘’Like the mirror it is vintage. So no spilling drinks on me.’’ She winks and Skye and puts on white pumps with open toes and tiny bows in the front. ‘’I am not kidding you look divine. I still can’t believe you are getting married.’’ The moment is interrupted with a soft knock on a door. ‘’Can I come in?’’ Skye runs to the doors and lets May in. ‘’I brought flowers and…’’ May freezes in the middle of the room.   
Skye comes standing next to Jemma and whispers into her ear. ‘’Is May you know..?’’ Jemma nods. ‘’I need my camera, we should be filming this. It is one of a lifetime thing.’’ Jemma nudges Skye. ‘’What?! Admit it you were thinking the same thing.’’ Laughter fills the room. ‘’You look beautiful Jemma. I mean wow.’’ She puts flowers on the table next to her and hugs Jemma. ‘’I hope he knows that if he breaks your heart I’m going to break his legs.’’ She kisses her on the cheek. Skye quickly mutters something that sounds similar to ‘yeah and his baby making machine.’  
‘’Now sit down so we can do your hair. ‘’Oh, I think it’s done. I was planning on wearing it down the way Grant likes it. So there is nothing much you can do.’’ May huffs and grabs a brush that was sitting on a dressing table. ‘’I may kick some major ass when I have to but I also know how to make a beautiful hairstyle Jemma. And you are getting one.’’ She points her hand to a chair next to a dressing table and Jemma slowly sits down. With a look of content May starts brushing her hair. After half an hour Jemma’s hairstyle is completed. She looks herself in the mirror and almost cries. Soft waves of hair are hugging her face. There are some strands of hair pinned to the back of her head. It’s perfect! She stands up and hugs May. ‘’Thank you so much. I love it, it’s perfect.’’ She kisses her on the cheeks. All three are now looking at each other with teary eyes. ‘’Enough of this emotional stuff or we are never getting out of this room.’’   
Skye grabs a piece of paper that has list of things written on it. ‘’Now let’s check the list and we are ready.’’ May and Jemma both furrow their eyebrows at her. ‘’So Jemma do you have something old?’’ She does. She is holding her mother’s silver locket that is hanging around her neck. It has pictures of her Mom and Dad in it. ‘’Yes I do have something old.’’ She points to the locket and Skye seems to be satisfied with an answer.   
‘’Something new?’’ Jemma nods and shows Skye her new silver bracelet that Grand gave her yesterday before they both went to bed yesterday. ‘’Something borrowed?’’ Jemma shakes her head. She completely forgot about that part. Maybe she can borrow some lipstick or mascara or something. May smiles at her and brings up the hand mirror. On the back of her hair Jemma sees beautiful silver and pearl hair comb. ‘’It was my mother’s and since you are like a daughter to me I think you can borrow it for a day.’’ She always saw May as her second mother and hearing her saying that brings tears to her eyes. ‘’If you start crying then I will start crying and the whole make up thing will be ruined and we don’t have time for that.’’ So instead of crying they all have a group hug. Before Skye opens her mouth again Jemma shows her light blue nail polish. ‘’I think our bride is ready.’’ Skye look at May for approval and she gets it. There is soft knocking coming from the foyer. ‘’Girls I hope you are ready because it is time. Grant is getting nervous and Trip has a hard time distracting him.’’ All three of them start laughing. ‘’We better hurry up or Grant will show up and drag you down that aisle.’’ They hear Phil approaching. Quickly they assemble a line from Skye in the front and Jemma in the back. ‘’Girls we really have to go.’’ May and Skye step aside and Phil freezes mid step. There is a lot of freezing today. She gives Phil a sweet smile. ‘’I am ready and I think we can go as soon as you stop being frozen.’’ All three laugh again and Phil seems to be getting his senses back. ‘’Dear you look beautiful. I am sure Grant will melt once he sees you.’’ He gives her a quick peck on the cheek and turns around to May. ‘’You look wonderful as well dear.’’  
This time there is no peck on the cheek but a long lustful kiss that makes both Jemma and Skye blush. ‘’Mom, Dad please behave.’’ Skye rolls her eyes at them and leaves the room with Jemma close behind. ‘’Yes Mom and Dad do behave.’’ They both laugh on the way downstairs talking about how cheesy these two became since they started dating. 

When they come to the front of the hotel they see Lola waiting for the bride. Skye grabs a hold of Jemma’s hand and squeezes her tightly. ‘’Are you ready for your happily ever after?’’ Jemma closes her eyes and thinks of one man who brought her so much love and happiness in her life. Today she will get her happy ending with the love of her life. ‘’You know what, I can’t wait.’’


	3. Missing piece of the heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jemma joins the team.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I fell in love with this story and I can't stop writing or posting. :) Please do enyjoy.   
> P.s. grammar, etc. mistakes ahead :D

‘What do you mean you joined the team?!’ Jemma rolls her eyes and kisses his sweet spot on his neck. The one it always makes him sigh in content. She also uses her teeth and her tongue just to make sure it will distract him enough to forget the question.

‘Don’t try to distract me Jemma. It won’t work.’ He grabs her by the hips and puts her away from his lap. She should have known it won’t work. But hey, at least she tried.

‘I thought we talked about it.’ Jemma stands up from the sofa. She puts both hands on each side of her hips. ‘No Grant that was you yelling that no girlfriend of yours will ever go on the field. You also added something about me being clumsy and failing field test and something about putting your foot down. I am not quite sure if it was your foot or your penis.’

If he thinks he can go all cave man on her, he is mistaken. She is a grown woman and she will do what she pleases. For crying out loud her IQ is higher than all of the teams combined. Okay she is exaggerating but the point is, she can take care of herself. 

Suddenly a shadow falls over her. Looking up she sees Grant using his intimidating techniques by towering over her. It is almost cute how often he forgets his intimidating skills don’t work on her. If he wants to play this game she is up for it.

Smoothly she bypasses him and steps on the sofa looking down on him. ‘I always wanted to know, what kind of weather you have here.’ She winks at him trying to loosen his mood but he is not buying it. Rolling his eyes at her he grabs her by her hips and puts her down on the floor. 

Muttering something under his breath he falls back on the couch covering his face with both of his hands. ‘What are you muttering? I want to know.’

He looks at her with his drop dead gorgeous smile that is reserved only for her. ‘I was praying for patience and strength.’ She looks at him in disbelief. ‘Why would you need to pray?’ Now he is laughing out loud. ‘Because I was seriously considering to throw you over my shoulder and lock you in your bedroom until you get some sense in your beautiful but stubborn head.’

‘Grant don’t you dare!’ She puts her hands back on her hips looking at him appalled. ‘I said I was considering.’ Good, because if he does something even remotely similar to this she will use her Taser on him and it will hurt like hell. ‘Look baby I know you want to explore the boundaries and see the world outside your lab. I get it okay. You are one of the smartest persons I know. And I know a lot of people. Since I first met you I knew you wanted more. See more, know more.’

He looks tired and defeated. ‘Grant I know…’ He interrupts her. ‘No wait I need you to hear this Jemma.’ Her name on his lips sounds like a prayer so she shuts up and sits next to him. They both shift so they are looking at each other. ‘The world is not black and white, especially not the world of field agents. Yes there are this little wonders on Earth that no one knows about and are just waiting for someone to discover them but that’s what they are, little. The world is ugly and unfair. There are things I never want you to see or experience. I want you to be safe. I need you to be safe.’ 

They have known each other for seven months now. She never thought she could fell so strong for someone in so little time but she did. At first he was just the bodyguard who was guarding her lab. Then they’ve became friends. One thing led to another and now they are here arguing about her future. She knows how nervous she is when he is on his missions and if he feels just half of that she needs to let him know that everything will be O.K.

‘I talked with Agent Coulson and he assured me there will be another highly qualified Agent solely for protection of the team. Like personal bodyguard. I heard he has the best score in espionage since Romanoff. The only thing that worries me is that he prefers to work alone. But I am sure me and Fitz will turn him around once he gets to know us. We are quite pleasant.’ She scoots over, closer to him resting her hand over his heart. ‘I will make sure nothing happens to me. I just…’ Grant puts his hand over hers and brushes her knuckles with his thumb. ‘You need to do it. And no matter what I say or do it’s not going to change your mind.’ He brings her other hand to his lips and slowly kisses it.

Maybe were the words he said to blame or the tone of his voice when he said them or just him knowing her so well but something deep inside of her stirs. Feelings she wasn’t ready to admit are boiling deep in her heart and are ready to erupt. For so long she was afraid to admit that not only she deeply cares about him but she is also in love with him. Head over heels in love with him. If she is completely honest with herself she has been since the very first day she saw him. 

She brings both hands to cup his face, bringing his focus on her eyes. ‘I love you Grant. I am in love with you.’ She closes the distance between them and kisses him. He is completely unresponsive. She kisses him again and still nothing. Shifting her head slightly back she sees his eyes are wide open like he is completely shocked by her words and actions.

She waves her hand in front of him and he doesn’t even blink. Okay this aches a little bit. He doesn’t have to say it back, she never expected him to say it back but being totally unresponsive hurts her ego. 

‘Please tell me you are not having heart attack because I have feelings for you?’ Again she moves little further from him. ‘Seriously now you are just freaking me out. If you are this offended by me loving you I will take it back. The whole thing.’ She grabs a pillow and throws it at him. Finally he looks at her and it makes her insides melt. His eyes are pinning her on the spot like she is frozen. ‘Don’t do that. Do not ever take those words back.’ His voice is deep mixed with desire and promises only he can make.

She doesn’t know who moves first all she knows is that any thoughts that she might have had a second ago are melted away by his lips. He slowly moves back just an inch, cupping her face, looking her deep into her heart and soul. ‘Jemma I love you. I am in love with you since the first moment I saw you.’ He kisses her again and this time no one backs away. All feelings and fears that both have kept hidden from each other are now branding each and every kiss and touch. She gives herself completely to him and he does the same. No one knows where one begins and the other ends. At last she found a missing piece in her heart. 

Few hundred kisses and touches later they are laying on the bed, holding each other close. Grant has one arm under her head and the other embracing her hip. She is resting her head over his heart, gliding her fingers across his chest. She sighs in satisfaction and kisses the spot over his heart. She looks at him and it looks like he is far away in his thoughts. ‘Penny for your thoughts.’ She kisses the same spot again and he looks at her with a spark in his eyes. He grins and tightens the embrace around her hips. ‘Staying away from you on that plane is going to be a bitch.’ His rich laughter fills the room and before she can say another word his lips are on hers and any objections that she might have are melted into oblivion.


	4. Falling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The lonely one offers his hand too quickly to whomever he encounters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy! :)

_She is standing at crossroads not knowing which path to choose. On left she sees her team, her family on the right she sees Grant. His mouth stretched into a smile that is always reserved for her. ‘Jemma come with us. We are your family; we will always take care of you. Grant is Hydra and he will hurt you again. You lost your baby because of him. Traitors can’t be trusted.’ She looks at them; they are all smiling at her. Fitz is holding his arms open for her. She knows she will be safe with him; after all he is her brother by choice. She takes one step towards them and the smile on Fitz’s face warms her heart. Her choice is interrupted by Grant’s quiet voice. ‘Jemma, you belong here with me. Remember what you promised me? You promised to stay by my side for eternity, however long that might be. I love you Jemma, please come back to me.’_

_She stops and turns to Grant, taking one step towards him. Before she can do anything else ground below her feet starts to crumble and shake. She knows what she has to do. She has to choose one side. Her head is frantically turning from left to right. How can she choose between her family and her Grant? She starts crying and screaming. ‘I can’t choose. How can I choose only one of you?’ Again Grant’s voice wakes her up from the frantic haze. ‘You have to Jemma. You have to choose or you will die.’ She looks back at her team and they nod. ‘I can’t!’ She spreads her arms wide open and looks at all of them again. ‘I can’t and I will not.’ She closes her eyes and throws herself from the cliff she was standing on._

She wakes up screaming and Grant is by her side, holding her, whispering sweet words in her ear. She should be repulsed, she should move away from his embrace but she can’t. So she starts crying again. ‘I’ve got you Jemma…hush don’t cry baby girl it was just a nightmare. I’ve got you, everything is okay.’ He is leaving light, sweet kisses in her hair and she holds him tighter. Just like before they hold each other for dear life.

She doesn’t know how long they stay in this position. ‘Do you want to talk about it?’ His voice is soft and caring and no matter how much she tries not to doubt his tone she can’t. She looks at him and she sees the love reflecting in his eyes but there is this bitter feeling deep in her heart and that traitorous voice in her head that is whispering to her; This is all a lie.

Shaking her head she slowly starts moving away from his embrace. He lets her slide away and he looks sad. ‘You know you can tell me everything Jemma. I am still the same Grant you married.’ She represses the side of her that wants to argue with this statement because he is not the same Grant she married. That Grant wasn’t a liar or a traitor. And as much she tries to hate him she can’t.

‘Look at me Jemma.’ His order is soft and she can’t help but look. ‘Do you love me?’ She wants to lie to him. She wants to scream she doesn’t love him anymore but he will look right pass her lie so she simply nods and closes her eyes. ‘I love you Jemma, nothing in this world can change that. We will get through this together.’ Silent tears threaten to spill from her eyes again so she hides her face in her hands.

‘Don’t hide from me, please.’ He grabs her hands and pulls them down. ‘We will get through this, I promise you.’ All she can do in this moment is wonder how many lies has he told her through the years. She must have seemed so naïve to him. Small chuckle leaves her before she can stop it. He furrows his eyebrow at her and she shakes her head, giving him a smile. He seems satisfied with it so he continues with his speech. ‘I was planning on telling you this in the morning but since we are already awake there is no need in keeping it for myself. Phil asked me if I can go on a solo mission in Russia for couple of months. There is this plant he finds fishy and he needs someone on the inside to check for him.’ Her breath hitches and she knows it has to do something with Hydra. He continues without looking at her. ‘I need to go or everything we have been preparing for will go down the drain. I have to make sure no one gets suspicious.’

She averts her eyes from his face and nods. When did she become such a coward? Old Jemma would jump in his face and yell at him that he is a traitor. New Jemma however has no strength left in her, so she gives in to the melancholy that is consuming her slowly day after day.

‘I will be home before you know it and then we will talk about everything that has happened. I know you don’t want to talk about your nightmares so I will not push you now, but know that when I come home we will talk about them.’ She nods and moves slightly away from him to the edge of the bed.

‘Don’t go.’ Her pleading voice surprises her because she has no idea where it came from or why. She looks at him. He has his gaze set on her, slight amusement written across his features. Why is he amused with her pleading? ‘Please Grant don’t go, don’t leave me alone.’ Where is this coming from why is she saying this? She should be relieved he is going on a mission. She should be happy to be left alone and a small part of her is.

‘I have to go and besides you will be fine. You don’t need me as much as you think you do. I am sure our team will take a great care of you.’ Last sentence sends a sharp pain in her heart. The way he says it sounds like he is making fun of them. She shifts again and sits on the edge of the bed her back turned to him.

‘Jemma you can’t tell anyone what I have told you. If Phil finds out they will torture me and lock me up forever, plus HYDRA will retaliate. They will harm you for outing them.’ There are words left unspoken. She shudders because she knows the real meaning behind his words.

Realization of his unspoken words chips a small piece of her already torn and destroyed soul. She has heard his cold voice full of threats before but it was never meant for her. Until now he never once had coldness in his voice when he spoke to her. Now she know how other feel when his wrath finds them. Cold shiver runs through her body and she stands up; turning around to him with a smile on her face. ‘I won’t tell anyone anything. Don’t worry about it.’ She turns around and starts walking towards the doors. ‘I am going to make me some tea. Do you want it too?’ She doesn’t wait for an answer.

\------

Grant left one week ago. Their goodbye sounded strange and wrong. It was awkward and she couldn’t bring herself to kiss him. This was the first time they parted without a kiss. She thought it will bother him more, she thought it will bother her more but it didn’t. He waved goodbye and she firmly locked her front doors behind her.

Loneliness started to leave effect on her mind. Her nightmares became a part of her every day. At some point her brain felt like beehive.

In an effort to keep her sanity she returned to her work but it only made things worse. She had to paint a fake smile across her face, reassuring everyone that she is okay, even though she was definitely not. Skye left on a solo mission and she was relieved she wasn’t here to fuss around her. Sometimes she wished Fitz would go with them too. His constant questioning about her well-being was starting to annoy her. A top of everything she was also dealing with the fact that she knew about HYDRA.

It was supposed to be destroyed but it appears it stayed alive all this years and her husband was a part of it. What is worse she can’t tell anyone about it. When she was still at the Academy she had a subject entirely dedicated to the history of radical organizations, one of them was Hydra. World domination, submission and New World order those are the words that come to her mind every time she hears this name. How deranged somebody has to be to be completely obedient to such vileness organization. Documents on documents of data and testimonies of people who were got to know on their own skin what horrors and Hydra leaves behind are archived in S.H.I.E.L.D.’s archives. Some of them are under a lock and you must be authorized by higher ranked agents just to read them

She read about experiments they were doing, about the new science they were creating. She remembers how disgusted she felt when she read about experimentations on twin boys age nine. They were two sweet innocent boys who were literally snatched from their mother’s hands. The pain and suffering they were exposed broke her heart. The ends justify the means. It was more than just saying Hydra were Nazis or fascist they were people who were deranged, sick and manipulative.

Tiny voice within reminded her that one of those people is also her husband. No matter what he says and how hard he tries to convince her, he is not the man she married. That man never existed it was just a part of a cover. Because no one with just a smidgen of reason can follow the rules of this vile organizations.

She closes her eyes and thinks of the words Grant said to her. She knows what kind of harm and retaliation Hydra is capable of. Heck, she knows what kind of harm Grant can induce.

If she tells Phil about Grant he will lock him up and she can’t stand the thought of Grant being imprisoned. No matter what he says or does she still loves him. He still is the love of her life even though in pains her to admit it.

God knows who else is also Hydra, agents, politicians, scientist, judges, lawyers and doctors… all in hiding waiting to be called on duty. The thought of another war attacks her mind with callous visions of suffering. She feels trapped between love and morality. No matter which side she’ll choose it will destroy her.

Whenever she was in doubt she always hid in her lab. It was her home, her comfort zone and it chase her dark thoughts away from her mind. Now it feels like a prison with the narrowing walls and stiff air that made her breathe with difficulty. Everywhere she turns memories of happier times attack her mind. She has panic attacks multiple times a day. With what she know she can’t bear to look her team in the eyes.

She tries, she really tries to go on with her life like nothing has happened but she can’t. It’s like someone pushed her from the edge of the mountain and she keeps on falling and falling, never hitting the bottom. Her life is falling apart and she has no control over it. Empty house that is waiting for her when she returns from work doesn’t help either. She spends most of her time hiding from the world in the cemetery where her sunshine was buried.

Sometimes she talks with her and her parents. Telling them about her days or how much she wishes they all would be alive and well next to her. There are times when she just sits by the grave and cries and there are times when she just sits and doesn’t say a word at all.

Routine that once was her haven is replaced with this new desolate routine. Instead of her controlling her life, numbness does it for her. Most of the time she walks around her house like a zombie, she moves from one room to another. She avoids going to the nursery or master bedroom because she is scared she will break down and do something drastic to her already jagged nerves.

Reflection that she sees in the mirror is of a stranger looking back at her. Dark circles have formed under her eyes, her skin was pale and there was ever present sadness in her eyes. Her already thin body now looks even thinner. She can’t remember the last time she ate something and quite frankly she doesn’t care. She starts smoking; a habit she picked right after her parents died, a habit she hates and a habit Grant helped her get rid of. No matter how disgusting her mouth tastes or how smelly her hair gets she finds a little comfort that a cigarette provides.

She gets calls and messages from Fitz and May, even Phil called her a few times but she decides to ignore them. She feels too guilty and she knows May would see right through her. She would start asking all this questions and she is not sure if she is able to hide the truth away from her.

When Hydra outbreak happens and it will happen she will be just as much of a traitor as Grant is. She will be branded for the rest of her life. Her career, her friends, her team and her life gone forever. Everything that she worked so hard for will evaporate into thin air. If only she would be strong enough to choose the right thing.

Secretly she hopes no one will come to visit her but it is a hope that is soon squashed with the unpleasant visit from Grant’s mentor.

God she hates him, she never liked him. Once she mentioned to Grant that has this strange odd feeling about Garret, like he is hiding something and he got mad at her saying she doesn’t know what she is talking about. Now she knows that her gut feeling was right and that he is in a fact hiding something big. HYDRA.

She is not stupid, wherever Garrett goes Grant follows. They always had this strange mentor/pupil/father/son relationship which she finds weird. Probably he was the one who introduced HYDRA to Grant. She doesn’t try to be polite. She has no energy to paint a fake smile of welcome on her face. She lets him in without the word and they both sit down in the living room. ‘Look at you dear, are you sick?’ She huffs and lights a cigarette. ‘Like you care.’ He looks intrigued but he still continues with his fake worry. ‘Maybe we should take you to the doctor. I know one really good doctor; maybe he can prescribe something that will make you feel better.’ Yeah, probably someone who works for HYDRA in secret. No one from that repulsive organization will ever touch her. She stays quiet and gives him one of her cold looks that Grant taught her. ‘You shouldn’t smoke dear, it’s bad for your health and I know Grant hated when you smoked. Don’t you want to please him?

She pleases Grant just fine when they are alone and if he doesn’t like her smoking then he will have to deal with it like a grown up. The real question is why Garrett is here? He never approved of Grant’s choice. He never approved of her, saying she is too mellow and weak. He never tried to show her any kind word. At first it bothered her because of the relationship he has with Grant but then she stopped caring. If he doesn’t like her then that is his problem not hers. ‘Garret we both know you don’t like me at all so you can stop pretending you care about my well-being.’ There is small chuckle that escapes his mouth. ‘My dear you don’t have to be this blunt. I know you don’t like me either but you can still be civilised about it.’ Yeah right, she will show him who is civilised once she throws a vase in his face. ‘Look Garrett as you may notice I am physically and emotionally exhausted and I don’t have the energy to play one of your games. If you are here to check if I have told anyone about Hydra being alive you can relax. Grant was very thorough when he was explaining me the consequences.’

Cold, calculated smile stretches over his mouth. He clasps his hands together like he is about to reveal the greatest plan he has in his awful head. ‘Well, well I see Grant told you about HYDRA even though I explicitly forbid him to do that. He was always wining about keeping you in the dark and how it messes with his mind. I told him getting a wife will make him weak. But he just doesn’t listen, does he.’

She makes sure her face looks blank and unaffected even though all she wants to do is to throw up. ‘I have no idea what he thinks or who he obeys. He didn’t tell me about Hydra. I found out when I walked into his study and he was talking about some plans and the name came along in his conversation. I made him tell me everything and sometimes I still regret it. If only I turned around I would still have my baby.’

His expression never changes and it looks like he is enjoying her little emotional meltdown. She decides to keep her mouth quiet and not give in to his provocations.

‘I would offer you tea or coffee but since I’ve never liked you I’m going to forget about pleasantries. You still haven’t told me why you are here?’ He looks amused and she thinks of a vase that is standing right next to her right hand. She slightly moves to it and he chuckles. ‘Don’t, it is way too pretty and expensive to be broken on my face Jemma.’

‘Tell me why you are here and maybe I will consider not cutting your face.’ This time he laughs out loud, making her blood boil. One day she will kill him and she will enjoy doing it. Sudden homicidal urge is like a punch into her stomach. This isn’t her. She would never even think about killing someone, even if that person is Garrett. She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath.

‘Grant asked me to check on you, he is really worried about you. He keeps saying you were acting strange the past few weeks and that he is afraid you are up to something.’ Well isn’t this nice? Her husband is worried about her. Maybe he should stay at home and not parade around HYDRA infested weapon making factory. Maybe then he would see that her world had fallen apart and that she is most definitely not okay.

She wasn’t okay with the fact that he left her and took a job on the other side of the continent. Another thought runs through her mind. He is in Hydra territory where everyone knows who he is. He doesn’t need to be undercover all the time and yet he called Garrett and not her. Sudden anger washes over her body and she has to control her voice so hard it makes her dizzy. She won’t give Garrett another satisfaction. She bits her tongue and waits for him to continue with his speech.

She doesn’t know how Garrett sensed she is angry but he did. ‘Look Jemma, you two are getting over the death of your child. It is normal that he needs some distance to process.’ What?! He needs the distance from her. Is he kidding? It’s normal to leave your wife alone? On what planet this is okay. Oh, wait on planet Hydra. Where the hell is that vase again?

Completely ignorant to her inner turmoil he continues with his speech. ‘He thinks you need space too so that’s why he hasn’t called you. Some distance will do you good don’t you think?’

Really some distance will do her good? Does he even see her? While her husband is taking a vacation, yes a vacation, since he is Hydra there is no need to work undercover her world is falling more and more apart each day and Garrett finds this normal. Not just Garrett, she would expect something like this coming from his mouth. What she would never expect is this behaviour coming from Grant.

Apparently he can sip Piña colada and screw some girl he doesn’t even know in order to give her distance and time. Okay now she is getting really angry at his stupid arse. On top of the anger she gets jealous. Nice, apparently that part of her forgot the memo when she decided to ignore feelings she has for Grant. Wait, when she decided that? She may be getting crazy but she will not give in to the game Garrett is trying to play with her. She pulls herself together and gives him one of her best smiles.

‘From what I gathered from your monologue you are here to make sure I am fine. You see me, tell me am I up to something?’ He observes her and then looks across the leaving room. It seems like he is contemplating something but then his whole expression changes and he smiles. One of his rare sincere smiles and it takes her by surprise.

‘You are feisty little thing aren’t you. He is lucky to have you because you will always keep him on his toes.’ She looks at him in disbelief. She must be hearing wrong. Did Garrett just give her his approval? ‘It was nice talking to you Jemma and I know you won’t believe me when I say it but I am really sorry that you two have lost a child. I wouldn’t wish that even to my worst enemy.’ He stands up and looks her one more time his face blank without emotions. ‘I will make sure Grant is reassured about your well-being. He starts walking towards the door and abruptly turns around. ‘Remember what Grant has told you before he went on a mission. Outing us brings consequences and you don’t want that, do you?’ Her stomach makes 180 flip. ‘Be well Jemma.’ Without any hesitation she slams the door in his face.


	5. Little prayer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jemma overcomes her fears and comes to a decision that will change everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!  
> I have to say thank you so much for reading this story. I know it is progressing slowly and it has not the best plot and language development and use of it but stay patient. 'Error hesternus sit tibi doctor hodiernus.'
> 
> Another thing I have to say sorry about is erasing of the chapter four. (Grant returns home) I wasn't happy how it turned out. I promise I will repost it soon and add some new content.
> 
> I do love when someone post some comments even when they are just a review of my work. I <3 comments! :D

After she throws up for the second time she collapses on the bathroom floor. She thinks of a time when she watched this show on a television about women who talked about what kind of men they married. Show always made them laugh and she pitied them, saying they are just attention hungry women prepared to do everything to get their five minutes of spotlight. One thing she did learn is that karma is a bitch. All of a sudden she became this pathetic woman who is not sure who her beloved husband is. She can’t turn to her team for support and her husband is avoiding her. The first person she talked to in days is Garrett who took pleasure and enjoyment from seeing her broken. He is a sadistic pig who needs to be put down. She lets out a loud laugh almost psychotic cry.

She brings her knees close to her chest and she rest her chin on them. Her whole body is shaking and she feels her mind slowly giving in. Closing her eyes she feels this calm serenity of water filing her mind and her senses. She is too exhausted to bring herself to stand up and go to bed. Darkness is slowly sinking in and room becomes soothingly quiet.

\---  
_There is this sudden sunshine shining through the window making the whole room glow. All of a sudden she hears this angelic giggle. Her arms are carrying a familiar weight. She looks down and sees two dark brown eyes staring back at her. There is this sound again that makes her smile. Without even thinking about it she knows who she is carrying. Two perfect round dimples are placed gorgeously on child’s cheeks. She softly traces the lines of her daughters face with her fingers. Heart is beating fast and it feels like it’s going to explode from all the love she feels for her daughter. It’s constantly expanding with each smile, with each laughter, with each blink of the eyes. Never before has she felt this kind of love before and for the first time in her life she has this feeling of being invincible._

_‘Beautiful little thing isn’t she? She looks just like you; all beautiful and perfect.’ Grant’s voice is calm and sweet and filled with love._

_‘I have to say this girl completely stole my heart. Jemma you have a serious competition.’ They both laugh and their daughter’s eyes are dancing from one to another. She giggles and Jemma’s heart swells again. They created this beautiful, perfect little creature. A fruit of love no one can ever hurt._

_Grant moves closer, taking one of Jemma’s hand in his and bringing it close to his lips. ‘Thank you.’_

_‘For what?’ She blinks at him in surprise. He smiles at her and caresses his daughter’s palm. She shrieks in content. ‘For this,’ he moves his arms gesturing at her and their daughter. ‘For this love and peace I feel inside that I thought I will never feel. For this overwhelming love I receive from you that I will never be good enough for.’ She closes her eyes letting his words hit her heart. One tear of complete and utter happiness slips down her cheek. He catches it with his lips._

_‘I love you Grant, always did and always will.’ He kisses her again, this time on her lips. Their daughter is starting to fuss because her father’s spotlight is momentarily shifted to her mum. They break apart looking at their daughter._

_‘We did well; haven’t we?’ Jemma slowly nods. ‘She is our little drama queen, always looking for the spotlight.’ She never thought two people can share a perfect moment in their life, but looking at her husband and then down at her daughter she is entirely convinced this is one of those perfect moments that come so rarely in life. She softly cradles her daughter and begins singing sweet lullabies to her baby girl. They move across the room like two farriers dancing in Eden bringing tranquillity and enchanting everyone who watches them. Jemma is bestowing sweet kisses on her daughter’s head. ‘Sleeping sun, lit the moon, Mummy rocks her baby, singing her a tune; hush my sweet child, Your Mommy is near to chase away all of your fears. Hush little baby, don’t worry my dear, your Daddy will chase away all of your tears.’_

_Sensing Grant’s presence standing behind her she slowly leans on him only to find his body is nowhere near hers. She almost stumbles to the ground with her baby when something roughly pulls her aside and steadies her. She would recognize his hands anytime._

_She breaths out a laud moan of relief. ‘Thank you, love. Sometimes I don’t know what I would do without you.’ His hand is still on her arm and his fingers are now angrily pressing against her flesh. If he doesn’t stop pressing down she is sure there will be dark spots painted across her skin tomorrow._

_‘Grant we’re okay you can let go.’ No sound from him. Strange feeling settles in Jemma’s gut but she chases her traitorous thoughts away._

_‘Grant please you are starting to hurt me, please let go we are okay. You saved us.’ Again he says nothing but his hands slowly release her arms. His gaze is pinned at her back and she can’t help but shiver. Something is wrong she can feel it in her bones. Maybe Garrett and his games are to blame or something happened to the team? She turns around and his gaze pins her still on the spot. Words in her mouth don’t seem to find the release and all she can do is stare back at him._

_He twists his mouth into a crooked smile and she can’t help but think he looks evil. His eyes are dark and blank. The love that was shining in his eyes earlier is now replaced with cold calculation. Like a gazelle she is mesmerized by his eyes and she can’t make her legs move. Graciously like a panther he moves closer to her. He keeps his eyes on hers and inch by inch he moves closer and closer to her._

_Her mouths are dry and she has a hard time breathing. Looking down at her daughter she finally wakes up from haze. She presses her daughter closer to her heart trying to shield her from his cold stare. Daring to look him in the eyes again she sees him smirking. One moment she has been his wife and the next one she is his prey. There are words lying on her tongue waiting for her to use them. Licking her dry lips she tries to speak but her voice is cracking. ‘Grant what is wrong?’ She steps one step back and he moves one step further. ‘Please stop, you are starting to scare me.’ Her voice is soft and quiet and she wishes she could scream or run but his eyes are turning her legs into stone._

_He doesn’t stop smiling at her. Like he has some devious plan he is about to carry out. She hears he heart beating in her ears and she feels so helpless against him. He stretches out his arms, grabbing her by the hips. She knows those arms. They can be so gentle and loving but they can also cause so much destruction on their path._

_His thumbs are moving slowly making circles on her skin completely hypnotizing her. He leans forward and his breath is hot against the shell of her ear._

_‘You never listen do you?’ There were times this move made her skin ignite but at this moment cold sweat breaks on her skin. This is not her Grant; this is Grant who is on a mission ready to cause obliteration everywhere he turns. She holds her daughter tighter to her chest. Maybe she can push him aside so she can ran away from him._

_‘There is no point in shoving me away Jemma.’ One thing she is sure of is that this version of Grant can also read her like an open book. She inhales a deep breath looking him straight to his eyes._

_‘I always listen, I never break rules. Please tell me what this is about?’_

_He lets out a dark chuckle that makes her skin crawl. ‘How many times have I warned you not to play with fire? How many times have I told you if you mess with Hydra you will get burned?’_

_Messing with Hydra? What is he talking about? Hydra has been gone for decades. ‘What are you talking about Grant? What Hydra? What fire? I don’t understand you.’_

_‘Remember that talk before I left? I told you I am still the same man you married, that nothing has changed. I asked you to trust me. Apparently I asked too much.’_

_His hands drop from her hips and just like that her brain can normally function again. She has no idea what is he talking about. She shakes her head trying to move pass him. Again he blocks her path with his hands, this time he spreads them on the wall, caging her._

_She looks down to look at her daughter but her arms are empty. She franticly looks back up to Grant but he is on the other side the room holding their daughter in his arms. He smiles wildly at her._

_‘I will take great care of her. I will ask Skye to help me, maybe I will ask her to marry me. You know she always had this big crush on me. And who could blame me, a poor devastated widower trying to put his life back in order._

_Cold shiver runs up her spine. ‘Grant, give me back my daughter!’ She is screaming now, fresh stream of tears running down her cheeks. ‘What the hell are you talking about!? Where do you think I am going?! Stop playing this sick game, you are not Garrett and I am not you. I will not let you play me like a violin!’ She starts moving towards him but she abruptly stops when she sees something shining in his hand._

_‘Tsk, tsk Jemma I wouldn’t do that if I were you. Think about our daughter. Do you want her wounded?’ The implication shakes her to the core. He is threatening his daughter? Who is this man standing across her? This is not a man she knows, a man she loves._

_‘Who are you?’ Her voice sounds broken and defeated. In that moment she wishes she was stronger, meaner and faster so she could fight back. Fight him. She knows she can’t._

_Something clicks and she shifts her gaze towards the gun. There is no sight of her daughter in his arms, just a gun with a silencer._

_‘I am someone who took an oath to Hydra. I am someone who is loyal to Garrett and someone who knows when he has to put everything aside in order to complete a mission. You are a threat Jemma and I have to eliminate you. It’s better this way believe me.’_

_She will be executed. He will execute her like she is some cold blooded murder and not his wife. Her eyes are traveling across the room and she sees her daughter in her crib sleeping._

_‘Grant don’t do this. I love you I would never be a threat to you.’ Her voice is small and filled with pleading which she hates. She bends her knees and stumbles on the ground in front of him. ‘You say you love me so how can you kill me?’_

_Cold ground is biting into her skin and she realises they are not in the nursery anymore. She looks around and they are in a dark, big space that looks like an abandoned warehouse._

_‘Everything comes with a price Jemma and it seems you ran out of luck this time. Now close your eyes it will be over soon.’_

_‘No! If you want to kill me like I’m just a rodent on your path you will look me in the eyes doing it.’ All hope she felt vanishes like it’s a small snowflake which landed on a warm hand._

_‘Oh Jemma you should have known better.’ His dark laughter echoes in the empty room. He looks her straight in her eyes. There is no warmth, no love and no mercy in them, only hatred and determination._

_‘I promise you this Grant Douglas Ward I will come back and haunt you for the rest of your life.’ She takes her last breath, thinks of her beautiful daughter because soon she will wake up next to her._

_‘I am counting on that baby girl. I do love you more than anything in this world.’ She meets his eyes and she sees one tear sliding down his cheek. Next thing she knows, she is falling again through the pits of darkness and she screams._

Frantic screams wake her up from her sleep. Sweat breaks on her forehead as she is trying to calm herself down. It felt so real that she has to pinch her. She was used to having nightmares but until now she was never scared of them. She always knew they weren’t real but this time it felt so real it scares her.

She closes her eyes trying to chase away her dreams but the more she tries the more vivid they become. His touch, his look, his smile, the sound of his dark laughter, the way he pinned her to the wall, the way he looked when he pulled the trigger, everything is scorched into her memory and all she wants to do is hide and cry.

Cold bathroom floors are sending chills all over her body. That must be the reason why she is shivering and why she has goose bumps.

Is Grant capable of doing something like that in real life? Oh god, she really is going down the rabbit hole thinking her husband, who she loves with all of her heart could kill her in cold blood. This is the only answer to her question. She is getting crazy.

Pulling her body up from the cold ground she looks at her watch on her left hand. It’s four in the morning and there is no way she can go back to bed and sleep. Not when her mind is trying to play tricks on her.

She undresses her, throwing clothes into washing bin and slowly moves towards the shower. She sits down on a marble floor letting the water clean her body and mind. With each drop of water she feels lighter. Maybe all she needs is a good night sleep. Grant has been asking her to take some pills and she always refused them claiming they mess with her head but it can’t get worse than that. I mean for the second she was quite literally thinking she was falling to her death.

Turning off the shower she steps over to grab some towel to wrap her body in it. Cocooned, safe, calm and feeling fresh she walks down to the kitchen to prepare her a cup of herbal tea. Since her little safe haven has been bitterly compromised by Grant’s lies she decides to visit his hiding place instead.

With the cup of tea she walks over to his study room. She opens the door and turns on the light. Immediately her eyes drift to the big book case. It’s her favourite part of the room because it has all his favourite things on it. Like his first baseball ball he caught when he was eight. Or the sweet picture of them on their first date. She moves her fingers over the smooth surface. Fingertips collect dust but at the moment she doesn’t really care.

She can help but feel a little proud of Grant. All these books he has on his book shelves were bought after they started dating. The first time they visited a book store he was snorting and complaining how boring books are. ‘All the action is in television and film, Jemma. Who reads books anyway?’ Stupid grin splashes over her face when she reminds how he fell in love with books. He was always complaining over book hangover.

Sometimes they both crawl on the couch with one book each and just read, letting their limbs to intertwine. Those are one of her favourite memories of two of them. No fuss, no worries just peace and bliss.

She sighs over her memories and lets her fingers to pick Grant’s favourite book. They were visiting London and he took her to the old flea market. The first thing she saw was this old beaten book from her favourite author. Back then he was still sceptical about reading a book. She bought and hid it from him. She wrapped it in a neat paper and hid it under his pillow when they returned to their hotel. From then on it became his favourite book. One he would read over and over again.

She pulls the book from the shelf and slowly walks to his big leather chair behind his massive desk. She puts down her cup of tea and pulls her legs under her. Slowly she brushes old pages. She brings the book close to her nose and inhales. Smell reminds her of Grant and her heart swells. Something fells down on her lap. It’s the old picture of her from their trip to Florence. She looks so carefree and happy. She flips it over and on the right bottom they is something written in foreign language.

It’s Italian; and she wonders what does it say? She still has a hard time believing her husband can speak so many different languages and she, a genius is stuck on only two, her native language and Latin which she had learned in elementary school and is most of the time useless. Maybe she should get a new hobby since she has hard time returning to the labs. She could learn Spanish or German or even French. How about Portuguese or Italian? Maybe she will surprise Grant one day and whisper something kinky in Italian.

_‘Amore a prima vista.’_ This looks similar to Latin maybe she can translate it on her own. She shifts the word around her memory connecting them with the ones Grant always whispers in her ear. After several minutes she is sure it says something about first love or first look. She will look it up on the web later. Who would have thought behind his mask or one of his mask she is not sure, is a romantic man waiting to come out. She looks over his desk and there is another picture of two of them. It’s a sweet wedding picture taken when they were walking hand in hand to the cliff where Phil took their official picture. This one is a favourite of both of them because it is showing a stolen moment of two people in love with each other.

Right now they are far away from their happy ever after. She notices the picture is a little bit crooked in the frame and she decides to correct it. She opens the frame and on the back side she sees a little silver key.

‘What are you hiding from me, my dear husband?’ She picks it from the frame and takes a closer look. It sort of looks like a key that fits into safe or some small chest or a drawer. She tries the one next to the desk but it doesn’t fit. Curiosity takes the best of her so she starts walking around the room looking for secret drawers or boxes. Or maybe secret rooms behind the walls.

‘What kind of monsters are you keeping away from me Grant Ward?’ She spends the next thirty minutes walking around the house trying to find something that can be opened with this key.

Siting back into his chair she takes her cup of tea into her hand. It went cold and she spits it back in the cup. She thinks of the time they were saying goodbye to each other. Up until the last goodbye their goodbyes were filled with passion and promises. They were filled with kisses and longing touches and words of love.

The last one was so different. There were no kisses or longing touches. No sparks that ignite her skin with lust and fire. There was no craving for more touches and no pleading for Grant to stay. Thinking about it she should be bothered by it. She should have said something to him or Grant to her but they stayed quiet. And that particular silence is starting to scare her.

She moves the key between her fingers and suddenly everything becomes too much to handle; losing the baby, continuing nightmares, Grant’s absence, his words, their goodbye, Garrett’s visit, this key and all the secrets that are hanging over her head.

If she doesn’t stop thinking about all of this her head will explode. Instead of organizing everything back into its place she runs out of the room to her bedroom. With no time to spear she puts on jogging gear and runs out of the house.

Maybe if she runs long enough and hard enough the traitorous voices in her head will disappear and everything will be okay again. She runs past the crossroads and into the forest. She let it go and completely empties her head. The only thing she hears are chipping of the birds and music of the river that is running somewhere in the forest.

She sees first sun rays and runs even faster chasing the sun. Her legs are burning and her breathing is fast, her lugs are screaming for air and she ignores it. She turns left in the forest up the hill. On top of the hill there is a small church, completely surrounded by trees. She runs towards it.

From the early age she stopped believing in god or gods or anything mystical per se. Her only faith was science and since she was avoiding it she thinks about finding some comfort in this little church in the middle of nowhere.

She opens the heavy doors and steps inside. It’s a bit chilly and she shivers but she pushes her uneasiness aside. There is small altar with pieta motive painted above it. Mother’s suffering of losing a child. How fitting she thinks and slowly sits down on a bench.

She clasps her hands together and brings them closer to her chest.

Church is completely empty and quiet. She doesn’t know when the last time she said a prayer was and she tries to shuffle her mind a little bit in order to remember the correct words of a prayer. There is this tranquillity she is feeling at this moment that keeps her completely at bay with herself. Right words just click in her mind and her lips are moving without her even knowing.

She is praying for strength to mourn her daughter, she prays for strength to deal with her inner demons that have been slowly eating her alive. She was in the dark for months and right now she feels sun finally shining over her. She prays for strength to keep on loving Grant even though she knows there is much more he is hiding from her. She prays for strength to face her team to come clean on what she knows. She prays for Grant’s forgiveness and above all she prays for her.

For months now she has been pushing one feeling and one thought away from her mind. She has to let go. What she became in this few months isn’t her. This person begging her husband not to leave, this pathetic creature being afraid of her husband, is not her. She can’t shake this feeling that the end is here. She has been keep on working hard to mend their relationship, to make things better. She was crying when he wasn’t there, she was screaming at night in her pillow trying to make her hurt go away. She kept herself in the shadow and she kept him at bay, not letting him near her.

This new person that is consumed with melancholy and doubt is not the person who her parents were so proud of. She became a stranger to herself and it is time to stand on her own two feet. This time she will not lean on Grant for strength or on her parents. She has to do this all on her own.

She inhales deeply, smelling burned sent of the candles and she strangely feels calm. The answers she has been looking for so long are right in front of her. They have become something else, both of them, not just Grant. From this bubbly couple they’ve became people who were distant, keeping each other as far away, blaming each other for every little or big thing that went wrong.

They went from sweet words to slamming doors at each other, from soft touches to scratching and clawing and from silent proclamations of love to battle cries. She doesn’t want to be this person anymore and even though it tears her heart out of her chest again she has to be true to herself.

She has been holding to him, to their happy ever after with everything she had and even that wasn’t enough. Silent teardrop falls on her lap and she slowly stands up looking at the painting for one last time. Finally she is strong enough to admit to herself it’s time to walk away.

\---

Grant is lying on his bed wondering how many nights he still has to stay here. How many days he still has to suffer without her? There is this thing it’s been bothering him since their goodbye. She was so distant like she wasn’t even present.

Normally they would kiss until they were both left without a breath in them. There would be her pleading not to go and his promises to be back soon. She would be staying on the porch, waving her hand until he would drive far away from sight. This time though everything was different.

They weren’t sharing a kiss or holding each other tight. There was no pleading for him not to go or his promises he will be back safe and sound. She wasn’t standing on the porch and waving him goodbye and he wasn’t looking at a rear-view mirror until she disappeared from his sight.

He pushed it away from his mind right until Skye mentioned that Jemma for the first time ever wasn’t complaining about him going on a mission. From that moment on it has been eating him alive because he knows that something is wrong between them.

Something was off with two off them even before her accident, even before he confessed he is a double agent. He knows about her secret crying when he is away because she always has this puffy red bags under her eyes. He knows about her silent screams that she tries to hide from him. He knows that Jemma who once was so bright and bubbly is now broken and enveloped into a cloud of melancholy. He knows all about her struggles and doubts. He knows how hard she was trying to look pass his mistakes, not to blame him for the accident but sometimes their fights become so bitter and so poisoned he can’t find the strength to go after her and calm her down, promising her everything will be alright.

He closes his eyes trying to chase away her expression when he told her she has to keep quiet. Right in that moment he saw her breaking in front of him and he did nothing to prevent it.

Since he was a kid he knew he is not a good person. He knows his heart is tainted and his soul wretched but since he met her she was his light that was guiding him safe to shore. He has tried to harness that light from her, feeding of her love to keep him sane and he is not sure he will survive if he loses her.

Maybe he is already late too for that, maybe he has lost her already. At that thought his stomach twists into knots. No, he will not lose her, she will never leave him, she promised to him. She is forever his; that is her promise to him.

Shifting on his side he looks at a necklace with his wedding ring that laying on the bedside table. Did he make a mistake when he married her? Garrett was always trying to get him away from her, saying he will go weak. The truth is she makes him stronger. With her smile and her touches he feels invincible. He knows how much he takes from her. She would be better off without him, especially now that she knows about Hydra.

Guilt splashes over his body and he sighs. She will always come second no matter how much he loves her, no matter how much he needs her. There is one thing more powerful than anything. It’s his loyalty to Garrett. He would be lying if he says he didn’t try to break from the shackles of duty he feels towards Garrett.

He was the one who pulled him from the bottom and gave him a new purpose in life. He would also be lying if he says he stayed in Hydra only because of Jemma’s safety. It was a big part of the reason but the biggest part is that he loves it.

He loves the way they are playing a game of cats and mice. He loves seeing the shock of fellow agents when they find out the truth about Hydra. Oh, and the realization they are about to die and there is nothing they can do about. He is a bit of a sociopath but he is not the bad guy. He is just doing his job. Killing annoying people is just one of the perks.

He grabs the necklace and slowly caresses it between his fingers. When he comes back he will make everything better. He will come clean, tell her everything.

He knows she will be angry for sending Garrett to check up on her. Oh she will yell at him, she will even resent him because she never liked Garrett not even for a second. Once she told him she has a bad feeling about him and he panicked so he raised his voice a little bit. Her inner voice never fails and he has always been curious what it said about him.

Probably not something bad otherwise they wouldn’t be married. Garrett told him she seems fine. He said she gained some weight and she is very busy with her projects. He said it looks like she is not missing him very much, besides she has Fitz to lean on. He said she was blabbing about how great and supportive he has been and Grant wants to rip his limbs one by one. He had always feelings for his wife. And a night before they got married he even told her that but she just waved her hand saying she is acting all macho. If Fitz tries to make even one move on Jemma he will die of a slow and painful death. Best friends be damned.

He has to find a way to return as soon as possible. Maybe he will call her and tell her he is coming back and that she will not have to depend on Fitz so much. Stupid Fitz and his puppy eyes. No, he will surprise her. On the way home he will buy her the biggest bouquet of small yellow roses. They will hug and kiss and let their touches speak for them self. God he misses her, her touch and her lips. He feels like a lost man in the desert waiting for a drop of rain.

He holds his necklace close to his heart, soon Jemma I will be home next to you.

‘Don’t tell me you are thinking of other women while you have one very naked and very hot one in your bed.’ He totally forgot about her in his bed. A wave of new guilt splashes over his body like a tsunami almost drowning him. He coughs desperately catching his last breaths and the only thing he sees are Jemma’s eyes when she finds out.

He closes his eyes and shakes his head like he tries to shake away his thoughts. There will be no look in her eyes, because she will never find out.

‘Tell me you are not considering confessing about this to Jemma?’ Girl next to him huffs and shifts on her hips so she is looking at him.

‘No don’t be ridiculous, Jemma will never find out about it.’ He turns his head looking her straight into her dark brown eyes. ‘I will never tell her and neither will you. This stays between us.’

‘Good because you know she will never forgive us if she finds out.’ In one move he hoovers above her, closing his lips over hers in a hungry kiss. She tastes nothing like his Jemma but for tonight she will do.

‘I hope I am the reason your buddy is awake.’ She moves her hips a little making a delicious friction between their bodies.

He kisses her again this time making sure she stays without a breath. ‘Believe me Skye, this is all yours.’ In one swift move he buries him inside of her. No, she is nothing like Jemma.

\---


	6. Breathe in and Breath out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! 
> 
> Wow I haven't posted in a while. I have been super busy with work and my real life even though I desperately wanted to escape in the world of fan fiction.   
> This chapter is not as long as I hoped it would be. I am still getting used to writing in english so be patient with me. If you have some free time I am looking for a good soul who will help me get over my raw versions of fan fics. 
> 
> Like I said before there are mistakes in this text and I am very sorry for it. Plus I have a feeling I have to say a word about a bit of explicit word use. I tried not to write swear words but they are adults and I think sometimes swearing just makes us human.
> 
> I wish you wonderful summer day :)

When she returns back home there is Fitz siting on the front porch, waiting for her. ‘’Here we go again’’, she says to herself and paints a fake smile across her face. 

‘Hey Jemma!’ His voice is quiet almost worried. ‘You haven’t returned any of my calls and I got worried that something is wrong.’ Little does he know. ‘Hi, Fitz! No, nothing is wrong, don’t be silly; do you want to come in?’ 

She opens her front doors and waits for him to follow her in. ‘Actually I was thinking we could go and have a breakfast like we used to.’ He is looking at the floor avoiding her gaze which she finds very strange since he is always searching for her eyes when they talk. 

‘Fitz what is wrong?’ He shoots his eyes to hers and she sees confusion in them, he almost looks disappointed. Either at her or at him she doesn’t know. ‘I was supposed to ask this question.’ They both let out laughter and even though it’s forced she can’t help herself but to feel a bit lighter. He may annoy her most of the time but the fact is that along with Grant he is the only one who knows her deep into her bones. She missed him so much and now she sees that shutting him out from her world was a big mistake. 

‘Actually I may need a little bit of your help. I am working on nerve neutralizer. I can’t seem to make it function normally. I did some tests on lab mice and I am not kidding when I tell you those poor mice can’t undergo another round of pricking with needles.’ Jemma huffs and swallows a loud round of laughter. ‘Why Ms Simmons are you making fun of me? Do you find poor tormented creatures funny?’ Fitz barely says the last word with straight voice before they both start laughing until their jaws hurt. 

She sighs loudly; yes she definitely missed spending time with Fitz. She also misses working with him in their lab but she hadn’t planned to return to work this soon, especially now that she is about to leave her old life behind. Sudden thought of leaving her best friend behind makes her dizzy and she has to work really hard not to give him a reason to worry. 

‘Maybe you can show me your plans and we can talk it over tea and waffles.’ Fitz smiles like a child who was promised a cookie. ‘Yes, your waffles are the best,’ he looks at her with big shiny eyes, ‘you are making waffles aren’t you?’ She chuckles and nods. ‘I have to take a shower first because I’m sticky and smelly but please make yourself at home. I’ll be back in 15 minutes.’ 

\---

‘You really do make the best waffles on this planet Jemma.’ She takes plates from the table to wash them. ‘Well thank you; it’s my Mum’s recipe.’ 

They spend the next few hours trying to figure out the right formula for neutralizer. ‘Oh Fitz you forgot to take in the DNA structure of the species, that’s why it doesn’t work. I can’t believe we just spent four hours trying to figure this out.’ The look on his face is priceless. ‘See, this is why you are needed in the lab Jemma. I couldn’t figure this out without you.’ Sadness washes over her features and this time Fitz notices. 

‘I know I have been asking you this a lot and you always say you are fine, but Jemma you are not fine, I can see it in your eyes. Please talk to me, say something. Has Grant done something to you?’

Frack, Fitz and his sixth sense. No matter how hard she tries to hide things from him at the end he always finds out everything. He drills and drills until she cracks and tells him everything there is on her mind. Sometimes he reminds her so much of her mum. 

How can she tell him that she is not okay, that there are demons inside of her trying to break free, how she can tell him about sleepless nights and countless fights she had with Grant. She closes her eyes to chase unshed tears away because she wants to tell him everything. She wants to tell him about Grant, about HYDRA, about nightmares, about the fights she’s been having with Grant, about numbing fear she feels in the wake of Grant return. She wants to cry on his shoulder until there are no tears left in her eyes; she wants to finally break free. 

Fitz doesn’t say a word he simply watches her. The words were burning her tongue, waiting for her to release them but something in her are pulling them back. Grant’s words are filling her mind again. She knows he will see his threat through and there is no way she will risk Fitz’s life. Instead of telling him the truth she tells a version of it. 

‘It’s tough Fitz. I never imagined even in my worst nightmares I will be going through this. Everything in my life reminds me of the loss. I just need time to get over it.’   
The look in his eyes tells her he saw right through her white lie. ‘Whatever it is that is bothering you, you can tell me Jemma. I will always be here for you.’ In that moment she realized there isn’t a thing she wouldn’t do to keep him safe and vice versa. 

‘Thank you Fitz, it means the world to me. You mean the world to me.’ She squeezes his hand and they just look at each other, silent messages of reassurance and love traveling from one to the other. ‘Now enough with emotions overflow, what do you think about picnic next to the spring in woods? This morning I passed it while I was running. Don’t give me that look Fitz a little exercise goes a long way. Besides it looks really beautiful. I’ve been living here for 3 years and I had no idea it exists.’ 

He gives her one of his best smiles he keeps reserved only for her and she instantly knows what he is thinking about. She sighs and nods in understanding. ‘Yes I will make your favourite sandwich.’ He clasps his hands together and laughs. ‘You are the best! I will put all this papers away and then we can go.’ 

When they return it’s almost dark outside. ‘I had fun today, thank you Fitz for coming around.’ They hug and Fitz returns to his car. ‘It was my pleasure. Remember Jemma I will be here for you, always.’ With those words he sits in the car and drives away and Jemma returns to her empty house. 

\---

Her dreams are starting to haunt her. She really thought that they will eventually go away but they are returning with a vengeance. She rolls out of the bed. She hasn’t been this tired since the time she spent 72 hours awake trying to figure out an antiserum for deadly virus. 

Maybe she can search where that little key belongs to. She remembers Grant holding semi big green metal box when they were moving. When she asked him about he said it is a first aid kit but since then she hasn’t seen it anywhere. Something is telling her that this box is exactly what she is looking for. Who on Earth keeps first aid kit boy hidden? 

She puts on her rose robe and wrapping it tightly around her body. It’s time she finds out what Grant is hiding from her. She starts in the bedroom, pulling out every drawer, emptying every shelf and looking under the bed. She even jumps over the floor if maybe he hid it somewhere under the wooden tiles. After an hour she finds nothing so she moves to the bathroom. She repeats the procedure again and again until after almost five hours of searching she finds a double bottom in the drawer in the dining room. 

She picks up a knife and pulls the first wooden layer out of the drawer. ‘Bingo!’ She throws away the knife and takes a hold of the box. First thing she notices is that the box is heavier than it should be. She gives the box a shake. ‘Hmm it’s definitely not empty.’ She puts it down on the table and takes a key from her left pocket in the robe. ‘Open sesame.’ She puts the key in the keyhole and what a surprise, the box has unlocked itself. 

Like she is afraid something will jump right out of it she slowly opens the lid and with one eye closed she peeks inside. When she is completely sure it won’t explode she opens the second eye. There are files of paper stacked neatly one on top of the other. 

One by one she takes them out of the box, spreading them across the table. On the bottom is a black gun, the same Grant uses when he goes on a mission, some bullets, a picture of her on their honey moon and a concealed envelope. 

‘Where do I start first?’ She looks over the files on her table. She picks the nearest to her and opens it. First this she notices is Hydra stamp all over the papers. Goose bumps break all over her skin and her whole body shakes with disgust. 

More she reads more shocked she is becoming. For an example this file which she is holding in her hands contains information on their mission they took three years ago. Where they are going, what SHIELD is searching for, who he needs to distract or eliminate. It’s like she is holding ‘how to’ manual in her hands. She remembers that mission like it was yesterday. She went to look after Grant when he didn’t return to the bus and she almost drowned when she fell in the hidden pit. After he saved her and held her for two hours in his arms he yelled another two at how irresponsible she was and how she almost drowned because she can’t take directions. 

When Phil asked him about two fellow agents who were coming with them Grant simply said they didn’t make it. May said the place was filled with traps so it’s not surprising if they got caught in one of them. Now that she is holding these papers in her hands and she is reading them word by word she knows the only trap they encountered on that trip was Grant. 

She has no idea how much time she has spent reading those documents. There are pages after pages of information of almost every mission their team took. After the mission was finished he made excessive reports stating all the details about their mission, what they found or who they encountered. After she reads all the files she is completely sure of one thing, Grant isn’t the person he says he is and if she was a bit scared of him at the beginning of this search now she is petrified. He was able to lead double life right in front of their noses and they never figured it out. God knows how many years would pass by before he would come clean with her. If ever. 

How can she ever trust him again? Every lie he tells sounds like the truth and every truth he tells sounds like a lie. She slowly drags her fingers across the envelope. She takes it in her hands and just observes it. Like she is playing with it she shifts it from one hand to another, making sure she doesn’t miss any clue that an envelope might have before she opens it. On the front page there is something written in that stupid Italian. ‘Non ci sono segreti che il tempo non rivelano.’

Great, keep rubbing her not knowing how to speak more than two languages in her face. She shakes the envelope and looks at the seam. Maybe she can open it without him ever knowing. Standing up she starts pacing through the dining room and into the kitchen. If she uses a steam from the kettle she might damage the envelope and she can’t replace it. She may be a genius but she has no idea how to forge handwriting. 

There has to be a way to open it. She opens a refrigerator to take out a bottle of water and the idea pops into her head. If she puts the envelope into a freezer the glue would freeze and loosen, she could open it without damaging it. She runs into Grant’s study room and grabs a pencil and a piece of paper. She then copies the message and packs an envelope into a plastic bag. Running back to the kitchen she almost trips on the books that were thrown everywhere around the house. ‘Here we go.’ She puts into a freezer and crosses her finger. ‘Please work.’ In the mean time she starts collecting books and clothes that were lying all over the room. 

She tries to be patient but miserably fails. Instead of biting off the last remains of her nails she decides to clean up a little. Even though it pains her to admit it, her house looks like a bomb fell right on top of it. A book here, a book there. Clothes are scattered all over the house and there are still some dishes left in the dishwasher to be stacked away in the cupboards. 

When her OCD kicks in she forgets about everything else so no wander she forgot about the envelope in the freezer. After two hours when everything is put back in place she finally remembers. Pouring herself a glass of red wine she comfortably curls into armchair in Ward’s study room. 

‘Now let’s see what we have here.’ Surprisingly the trick worked and she can open the envelope without damaging it. She sips her wine and starts stacking the photos in the neat line across the desk. On the first photograph she notices Grant in his civilian clothes sitting in some bar next to the beach. Second photograph was taken from the same angle but it’s zoomed in. She recognizes the shirt he is wearing; she bought it in France when they were on the mission. It’s blue with tiny little navy dots sprinkled all over. She brings the photograph closer to her eyes and she notices a ring on his left finger. Further exploration reveals he is wearing his actual wedding ring so that means he is not working undercover. 

Her breathing fastens a little bit but she tries really hard not to panic even though every cell in her body is preparing itself for an impending shock. Like the first one she puts it neatly back down on the desk. 

She grabs the third photograph. Grant is strolling down the beach next to a dark haired woman. The more she observes the photo the more sure she is it’s taken in the Italian Riviera. Her heart sinks a little because she always wanted to visit it with him but he always made excuses. Either he was too busy or too tired. She grabs another photograph. The pair is still strolling down the beach but on this picture they are holding hands. Her face starts to prickle and her stomach makes a 180 degree flip. Woman next to Grant is much smaller and her tan is darker than Jemma’s. She is also curvier and there is something familiar but she can’t put a finger on it. 

Next photograph is a close up of the couple. They are again photographed in the back but she would recognize her husband’s back anytime. Small ankle bracelet catches Jemma’s attention. It almost looks the same she bought to Skye for her birthday. The one she never takes off because she claims it’s the symbol of their friendship. ‘That’s ridiculous.’ She murmurs to herself and puts he picture down next to others. The last picture she takes in her hand is the one that sucks the breath right out of her. 

It’s a close up of a couple kissing at sunset. There is a picture of her husband kissing another woman. She may be traditional and conservative and there are a lot of things she already forgave him or could forgive him. Heck, she almost forgave him all Hydra ordeals but he kissing her best friend is a betrayal she cannot forget nor forgive. 

Hot tears are running down her cheeks but this time she is not crying for him or because of him. She is crying because the anger she feels for herself is so strong it’s numbing her every other body function. People warned her, they told her to be careful when marrying a specialist. They warned her about everything she is now experiencing. 

No matter how much they pleaded her to think things through she still knew better. She places all pictures neatly one next to the other. Even with all the secrets and lies she was still tentative to leave him. Even yesterday after the big revelation she wasn’t completely sure if leaving him behind is the best answer but today after holding those pictures in her hands there is nothing left for her here. There is anger and sadness mixed with betrayal but there is no love left in her. 

Slowly she stands up from where she was siting and fixes her skirt which she was wearing. Like nothing has happened she continues tidying up the house. Everything that was misplaced she put back into its original place. 

Hours after she has found another page of big Grant Ward persona Jemma closes the last box filled with her belongings. 

\----

It’s Tuesday morning and Jemma is sitting on the bus that drives her to North Carolina. Few hours ago she closed the doors of her home. With suitcase in one hand and a tattoo on her heart she locked the doors and left the keys under the rug. She glanced one last time at the white picket fence and little bushes of yellow roses. Once perfect haven was now tinted in her eyes and she couldn’t help but silently sob while she was siting into her car and driving away. 

Looking out the window she counts the trees that are passing them by. If someone told her one year ago this is what her life would look like she would tell them off with a smile on her face. Never in her darkest nightmares could she think of something like this to happen. Yes, they were slowly drifting apart but this; this was another dimension of drifting apart. This was more like sitting in the rocket and let others shoot you straight in to the orbit. She left with scars on her heart and even though they will eventually heal they will always remind her of him. The one man that got under her skin and completely consumed her. As time slowly passes by her eyes start to slowly close and her mind drifts into much needed sleep. 

\---

‘’Slow down Grant, I can’t walk as fast as you can. You always forget your feet make giant steps.’’ Jemma slows down and crosses her hands. There is no way she can walk as fast as he can. Plus there is thousand degrees out here and her skin is starting to itch from the burning sun. 

‘’You promised me paradise not hell on Earth Grant Ward!’’ She yells after him and in protest she sits down on hot gravel path. Earlier this morning Grant woke her up saying he has surprise for her. With great strain she scrambled out of their warm bed and put on some clothes. ‘’Has anyone ever tell you that there are two types of people on this planet? Normal people usually need couple of hours of peace and quiet until we can function normally. And then there is you with bubbly morning personality that should be banned.’’ She stands up and stumps on her feet. Grant can’t help but smile at his lovely, incredibly smart and at this moment very childish wife. In three steps he is right in front of her. Without saying a word he grabs her and throws her over his shoulder. Jemma shrieks in surprise and tries to tangle her out of his grip. In response Grant just tightens his grip on her legs. ‘’Will you put me down, I will be really nice. I won’t pout anymore I promise.’’ 

Affectionately he moves his free hand over her bum. ‘’I don’t know Jemma I kind of like having you like this.’’ Shot of electricity runs through her veins. The way he can turn her on with just one caress of his hand is insane. She uses the moment of his carelessness to move her free hands under his shirt. She knows he is as quickly affected by her ministrations as she is by his. His whole body shivers and she presses her lips on his skin. The next thing she knows is Grant pulling her down from his shoulder and slanting his lips over hers. The way he bits her lower lip makes her legs turn into jelly. Luckily Grant is there to catch her and hold her tight against him. She lets out a small sigh and his mouth catch it. He moves his hand over her bum and just like on a command she jumps into his lap and closes her legs around his hips. 

Their lips move in sync and hands travel all over, exploring already conquered territory. His lips move to her neck, licking every inch of her hot skin. He bits down on her pulse and she circles her hips. They both see stars and she desperately seeks her control. Like so many times before Grant reads her mind and slowly puts some distance between them. She wines in protest and tries to move her hips again but he holds her tight. ‘’You have to be patient Jemma, I have a perfect day planned for us. I don’t want us to be late. And if I have right now my way with you like I want to I am afraid you won’t be able to stand on your feet let alone walk.’’ Sweet promise sends swarm of butterflies through her body. She nods and presses her lips on his temple. He slowly puts her down and grabs her hand. With a giggle she twirls around and firmly presses her body against his side. They walk hand in hand in a bubble of love and happiness. Every now and then Grant looks at his wife when he knows she is occupied with examination of the surrounding area. She makes him happy, something he thought he will never experience in his lifetime. 

Garrett was against this relationship from the start, saying she will tie him down, make him soft, drive him crazy but the truth is he feels grounded when he is with her. He is at peace when she puts her hands around him, he feels safe and it’s ridiculous really because he is a killing machine but no matter what, he feels safe when he is with her. He brings her hand to his lips and slowly kisses her. He knows she would be better off without him, he knows he will only bring her tears but he is a selfish man and having her means he can keep his sanity almost intact. She is his anchor and he is never letting her go. ‘’Penny for your thoughts…’’ He looks at her sweet eyes and his heart trembles a little. 

‘’I was just thinking how lucky I am to have you as my wife.’’ She is his wife. Possession hits him right to the core, she is his. He only wishes he could be hers as well. 

Jemma’s laugh wakes him up from his thoughts. ‘’Why are you laughing? Do I have something on my face?’’ 

‘’No your face is fine, I was laughing at your corniness.’’ He arches his eyebrow and huffs. 

‘’I am not corny.’’ 

‘’Oh yes you are. And it is really funny; I mean you look like a big bad wolf. Hunting people is your hobby and then you go and say those sweet things. Somehow being sweet and all lovely it’s not an image that I would attribute to you.’’

She sniggers and flutters her eyelashes at him. ‘’God she looks so innocent,’’ he thinks and guilt makes its way back to his heart. Instead of thinking one more second about how she deserves better he kisses her. 

It is a hungry kiss, like he wants to consume her. He presses her body against his, but it’s still not enough. Height difference puts uncomfortable pressure on his spine so he lifts her a little. Again she completely melts into him. Her hands are mapping out his body like it is the first time. Knowing his control is about to snap he puts some distance between them. 

They are both catching their breaths and she leans her head under his chin. ‘’You got to stop doing that to me.’’ She sighs and closes her eyes. 

He can hear her heartbeat and it calms him a little. ‘’Big bad wolf you say?’’ 

‘’Mmm..yeah more like Angel of death. Especially when a man looks at me, you get this killer gleam in your eyes. Yup…definitely Angel of death.’’

‘’I don’t like how men look at you that is all. And you are mine. Remember that.’’

‘’And you are mine.’’ She says it so quietly like she knows it’s not true. He kisses her on top of her hand and lowers her down. ‘’Always,’’ he whispers in a way that sounds more like a promise than a statement. 

\------

‘’Miss, miss wake up, we have arrived to Wilmington.’’ Someone is poking her in the arm and she wakes up with the start. 

‘’I am sorry miss. You were fast asleep and we arrived in Wilmington half hour ago.’’ 

First thing she sees are two big green eyes staring at her. With her hands she chases the sleep away from her eyes. 

‘’I-I’m sorry I must have been more tired than I thought.’’ She sits straighter, trying to stand up. And then she finally looks at a man who woke her up. She blinks twice and before she can say anything the stranger is already hugging her. 

‘’Oh my god Jemma, you look completely different. What have happened to you?’’

‘’Janne?! Oh god you scared the shit out of me.’’ She exhales and laughs. She completely forgot about Janne meeting her here. 

‘’What is up with the fake southern accent and red hair?’’ He sits next to her. Guess she is not moving from this bus anytime soon. ‘’Wait did something happened to the team? Is Fitz alright?’’

‘’Don’t get your panties in a knot Janne! Everything is okay with the team and Fitz.’’ 

‘’Yeah I am a king of panic but you haven’t called me in five years and then bang you call me from public phone. It’s not exactly Hey how ya doin’ call.’’

‘’I know and I am sorry. I just needed to get out. And you were the first person that popped into my head.’’

‘’Well nice to know you still remember me. Since you got married and joined Phil’s team you went MIA from the social network. Wait, is this about Ward?’’

She takes a sharp inhale and Janne’s eyes become bigger with a realization. 

‘’What has this moron done to you? I’ve told you million times he is wrong for you.’’

Apparently she should listen to her friends more. ‘’Don’t get all I told you so on me. I fucked up, he fucked up. It’s done, we’re done.’’

‘’Does he know that?’’ Janne looks at her with a mixture of worry and satisfaction. 

‘’Not exactly.’’ She avoids his questioning eyes and looks outside. 

‘’Jemma you cannot be serious. You left him without him knowing?!’’

‘’Stop yelling, or do you want everyone to know who I am?’’ She slaps him softly over his arm. 

‘’Ouch, I see you still have a habit of hitting people who only want to help you.’’

‘’That is so not true.’’ She pouts at him and his mouth widen in a smile.

‘’Jemma the last time I tried to talk some senses into you, you slapped the shit out of me.’’ He brings his hand over to his cheeks and slowly brushes it. Apparently the memory of Jemma slapping him still hurts.

‘’Well that’s what you get when you try to kiss me when I’m in a relationship.’’

‘’Yeah, in a relationship with a psychopath.’’ He rolls his eyes at her. ‘’You finally left him and he doesn’t know about it? You know he will move every rock on this planet until he finds you, don’t you?’’ There is a slight smile on his lips when he makes this comment. He can’t deny he is happy that she finally left this idiot. 

‘’You don’t have to be this happy about it.’’ Sadness again makes its home on Jemma’s features and Janne immediately feels guilty.

‘’I’m sorry Jemma, sometimes I can be a little bit insensitive but I would lie if I tell you I’m not happy about you leaving him.’’ He grabs a hold of her hands and slightly squeezes them. Comfort fills Jemma and for the first time in days she feels a little bit safer. 

‘’Apology accepted.’’

‘’Can I ask what happened? Did he hurt you, like hit you or stuff?’’

‘’No he never hit me but he hurt me in a way that it cannot be mended.’’

‘’I understand. I am glad you contacted me again. I kind of missed you.’’ He smiles at her sweetly and stands up. ‘’It’s time to leave. Boat is waiting for us.’’

It takes her a couple of minutes to get off the bus where Janne is already waiting for her with her duffle bag. ‘’Five years of your life in a duffle bag,’’ yeah this is really not how she pictured her life. 

‘’Are you ready for a new adventure Ms. Ida Olsson?’’ His look is mischievous and challenging. Somehow it fills her with a desire to start living again. 

‘’Ida Olsson? In the entire Swedish vocabulary you found the name Ida?’’ She twists her mouth in a funny way that makes Janne laugh out loud.

‘’It was this or Gertrud. I think Ida suits you better.’’ 

Now it’s her turn to laugh because he remembers her distain towards the name Gertrud. ‘’Ida it is then.’’

‘’That’s what I thought.’’ They laugh again and with that Janne picks up the pace and starts walking towards the pier. 

‘’Hey Janne!’’ He stops and turns around. ‘’Thanks for being here, you know, helping me and stuff.’’ She looks him straight into his impossibly green eyes. She will be forever grateful to him for helping her escape. 

They may have had differences in the past but she can’t deny the fact that he was always there when she needed him. Just like Fitz. 

He bows at her with a smug smile. ‘’I told you Jemma. I will always be there for you.’’

‘’I know, Janne.’’ There is a teary gleam in her eyes but his full white teeth smile chases the tears away. 

‘’Always.’’

\----

It’s late Wednesday night, it’s raining and he is grumpy and tired. The whole way back Skye nagged him about the way she feels about him, that probably confessing to Jemma wouldn’t be that bad. She would understand that the love they share is more powerful than the one between him and Jemma. She says she will come around and maybe after time she will come to the Hydra side.   
It angered him because he will never love Skye the way he loves Jemma. He told her a million times he doesn’t feel the same about her. For him Skye is a game he is playing when he is bored, Jemma is the real thing. She is the only person who keeps his dark side at bay. He was about to erupt with anger when he saw Skye’s building. With a sigh of relief he stopped the car next to the entrance. They kissed goodbye and he promised her that he will call once he comes home. 

He couldn’t get rid of the taste their kiss left. She is nothing like his wife and yet he keeps going back to her. Like an addiction he can’t get rid of. 

He turns the radio back on and starts driving towards his home. If Skye says something to her he will kill her, swear to god he will end her life. Music in the back ground makes this night even gloomier than it was so he turns it off. 

‘’I will make everything better Jemma, I promise.’’ He overpasses car after car with a desire to see her soon. Too many days have passed without her kisses and embraces. He has spent far too much time without her smile and laughter. He is missing her like crazy and he will make sure they don’t leave their bed for the next two days. 

After half an hour of driving he finally pulls up the car in front of their house. Funny feeling sets in his stomach like something is wrong. 

House is enveloped in darkness; usually there is at least one light on, even when she doesn’t know he is coming back. She always says it’s a light that will drag his ass from the mission and bring him back to her. Now everything is dark and quiet. 

Thinking of the way they were before he left makes him more at ease because maybe nothing is wrong and she is still angry at him. He moves towards the house and that strange feeling in his stomach still hasn’t went away. 

He comes inside and there is no sound, just darkness. ‘’Jemma honey, I’m home.’’ He waits for couple of second in the darkness and then moves upstairs. She is a sound sleeper and probably hasn’t heard him. 

He opens the bedroom doors and moves towards the bed. Moonlight brings just enough light so he can move across the floor towards her side of the bed. It’s empty.

Panic settles in his bones and he quickly moves towards the guest bedroom. He turns on the light and it’s empty. He then moves towards their nursery and it’s empty. It’s completely empty. There is no furniture, no toys, and no picture. There is just emptiness and complete silence that is slowly consuming him. 

He is now in full panic mode. He runs downstairs and turns on the light. On the first look everything seems normal but when he looks again there is only his stuff left. Bookcase in the living door is missing half of the books. There are no photos of Jemma and her family on the walls. He moves to the kitchen and turns on the light. Again all of her stuffs are gone. 

‘’Jemma stop messing with me! Come out please so we can talk.’’ He runs from one room to another and finds nothing. No Jemma, no clothes, no books, there is nothing of her left in this house. 

His hands are starting to shake and his breathing becomes erratic. ‘’You made your point now come out, please so we can talk.’’

He enters the last room in their house. It’s his study and the first thing he sees are some photos neatly spread on his desk. ‘’No, no please god.’’ In three steps he is next to the desk. 

‘’For fuck sake Jemma, no, no, no you weren’t supposed to see this!’’ He moves his hands over the picture of him and Skye. Garrett told him that she will find about it eventually but he was so sure he kept this hidden. He will kill Garrett for this, this time he crossed the line. 

His eyes wander over the desk and he sees small white envelope leaned on the photograph of two of them. With shaking hands he opens it and pulls out a piece of paper. It has Jemma’s writing on it and even without reading it he knows what it is. 

Dear Grant! 

I guess secrets are bound to be discovered. If you are reading this it means I am already gone. It was the hardest thing I ever did but walking away from you is the first thing in years that I did right. 

This past two months that I’ve spent away from you helped me to realize I’ve become someone I never thought I would be. You changed me; your love if it ever was real changed me. Sometimes it changed me for the better; sometimes it changed me for the worse. When I was down you gave me the reason to move, to push harder. I’ve become a fighter thanks to you and I will be forever grateful to you. 

I learned to love, to hate and to hand my body and soul completely to your possession. You had my heart in your hand Grant and you squeezed it and squeezed it until it disappeared completely. 

With you I was granted the ultimate gift; a child. I like to think she was conceived from love and even if you never loved me, I loved you enough for the both of us. I hated you for taking her away from me and no matter how hard I tried to convince myself you are not to blame I failed. I also know I can’t put all the blame on you. It is also my fault because I never pushed you to tell me things, I was always content with the perfectly paper wrapped words. I never doubted you and maybe I should have because if I did, then nothing like this would have happened. 

There is darkness inside of you that I have ignored for so many years. Even now that I’m gone don’t let it come to surface. Keep it down, hidden and at bay because if you do let it out it will consume you. 

This is my goodbye but I don’t think it’s the last one because knowing you; you will do whatever it takes to find me. I won’t plead you to let me go because I know you will not listen. The next time we meet I will be ready for you Grant Ward.

With eternal love for you my dear, 

Jemma

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a feeling I have to apologize for 'hot' scenes. They are simply not my cup of tee but I am trying to do as best as I can because this story needs some spycing up. Otherwise it gets gloomy :) 
> 
> Thank you for reading! 
> 
> O.


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